“We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have”

Does anyone actually believe that 30 isn’t old?

I tell myself OFTEN that 40 year olds and 50 and 60 and 70 year olds look at 30 year olds and say, “they’re so young! They have so much life ahead of them!”

BUT the truth is, our 20s are over.  If you’re in your 20s and worried about wasting your 20s – you should be worried!

You’re different when you’re 30. So much about being 30 is better than being 20. But the natural field of opportunity is narrowing. Which is a good thing as well as a bad thing. But don’t be fooled – 30 is old! Something WAS lost when your 20s ended.

But reading this essay written by a 22-year old Yale student (who died in a car crash a few days after she wrote it) served as a REALLY good reminder for me that even though you feel old (and you are), all is not lost.

Is the sense of opportunity as sparkly and amazing and exciting as it was when you were 22? Probably not. But it’s still there. According to this 22 year old, it can be hard to see the sparkle at 22 – but it’s still there. So by extrapolation, it’s still there in your 30s (just getting even harder to see).

Read this excerpt:

We’re so young. We’re so young. We’re twenty-two years old. We have so much time. There’s this sentiment I sometimes sense, creeping in our collective conscious as we lay alone after a party, or pack up our books when we give in and go out – that it is somehow too late. That others are somehow ahead. More accomplished, more specialized. More on the path to somehow saving the world, somehow creating or inventing or improving. That it’s too late now to BEGIN a beginning and we must settle for continuance, for commencement.

When we came to Yale, there was this sense of possibility. This immense and indefinable potential energy – and it’s easy to feel like that’s slipped away. We never had to choose and suddenly we’ve had to. Some of us have focused ourselves. Some of us know exactly what we want and are on the path to get it; already going to med school, working at the perfect NGO, doing research. To you I say both congratulations and you suck.

For most of us, however, we’re somewhat lost in this sea of liberal arts. Not quite sure what road we’re on and whether we should have taken it. If only I had majored in biology…if only I’d gotten involved in journalism as a freshman…if only I’d thought to apply for this or for that…

What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it’s too late to do anything is comical. It’s hilarious. We’re graduating college. We’re so young. We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have.

Structured play for grown-ups

My friend Eleanor shared this idea with me before she headed off to Ghana for a year of volunteering for a think tank.

Eleanor said that what a whole bunch of us have been doing in our 20s is structured play - enjoying life and having adventures while making sure it looks good on our CVs.

Whoa, truth bomb. This is me from the ages of 21 to 28. Here are some ideas for structured play (directly from my CV):

• Student exchange (x2)
• An internship overseas
• Australian Youth Ambassadors for Development (how about Australian Youth Ambassadors for Personal Development and Parties in a country where a modest allowance lets you live like a queen)
• Masters degree (x2)

All of these things were both good for my CV and FUN.

I thought I was being clever (and it worked – once I got a job against people who had had steadier careers because my employers liked that I’d had a variety of experiences).

I, like almost every other twenty-something I know, didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, so wanted to try a few things out before committing to path. Structured play gave me heaps of time to get to know myself and write lots of blog entries.

But I’m starting to wonder whether structured play is a crutch for control freaks.  Is it just a security blanket for the over-achiever?

As I wander through life I variously contemplate what it would be like to make a radical move in my career. “What if I started my own business?” “What if I became a florist?” etc. etc. (I KNOW you do it too).

But, despite the last ten years of my life looking quite fun and a little bit adventurous, I didn’t ever really risk all that much.

Structured play is ALL ABOUT MINIMISING RISK.

Now, as a 30 year old, I’m starting to realise that my appetite for risk is shrinking and will probably continue to shrink as I march on towards 40.

So I spent my 20s not taking real risks, and now I’m unexperienced in risk-taking, and less inclined than ever before to try it (I’m not saying I wouldn’t take a risk, just that I’m less inclined).

Structured play might have seemed like a good idea at the time – but now I wonder whether I wouldn’t have been better off taking at least one really cracking, heart-stopping risk in my 20s. Perhaps I should have done something that wasn’t guaranteed to translate to a nice entry on the CV.

I realise now that most mistakes (risks that didn’t pay off) of your 20s are so damn easy to conceal if you want to conceal them. But even better than that, it’s getting less and less shame-worthy to have made mistakes as our world is chilling-the-hell-out about playing by the rules. Non-conformity is not just acceptable, it’s marketable.

So, what’s the answer?

• Is structured play genius or a crutch?
• Is the ‘take-home’ that wild-stupid-risk-taking is something easier to do now (at 30) than later (at 40 or 50 or 60)? 

Tags: risk, structured play

The mistake of being kind to yourself – a note to self

These days we’re big on being kind to ourselves.

I am ALL for it. I am all for stopping the barrage of insults. As anyone who has said something like, “oh, I’m such an idiot!” around me can attest, I am likely to respond (in a really annoying and self-righteous way), “hey, enough of that negative self-talk.”

But sometimes I think we take it in the wrong direction.

Being kind to yourself is treating yourself with respect. It’s not indulging the hell out of yourself.

A healthy approach to being kind to yourself could be described as raising a well-adjusted child + athletics training.

- A well-adjusted child isn’t told they are stupid, a failure, hopeless. But they also aren’t given everything they want. When something goes wrong, they are given a hug, encouraged to brush themselves off and get back on the horse. If you decide to give yourself a break from your own harshness, the alternative is not to let yourself get away with murder. Made a mistake at work and feel like hurling insults at yourself? Don’t give yourself a serve, but don’t give into your desire to eat ice cream in bed. No good comes from ice cream in bed. Give yourself a pep-talk. Pat yourself on the back and remember that everyone makes mistakes. Give yourself warmth, discipline and boundaries.

- At the same time, give yourself a rigorous training schedule for life. Push yourself to get out of bed even when you don’t feel like it. Put on your sneakers and go for a run. When your body needs a rest – rest. Even better, don’t wait until your body needs it – make it part of your routine. Rest, not because you earned it, but because your body needs it so that when rest time is over you’ll be ready to train again. All this training will pay off when it comes time to run the race (every day of your life). If you train well and rest well, you’ll have a personal best time you’re proud of.

Being kind to yourself is not about smothering the voice of the mean girl in your head with chocolate or ten episodes of Community. 

Being kind to yourself is expecting of a respectable performance from yourself. It’s holding yourself to a high – but fair – standard, encouraging yourself along the way, and resting as part of the equation of a good performance.

Be the parent, the coach, the friend, the mentor, the doctor and the guru all in one. If you do that there won’t be any more room in your head for the bully or the frenemy.

Tags: kindess

Leunig on being kind

From The Age, Saturday 5 May 2012.

Tags: autumn, leunig, politicians, Seasons

Sarah turns 30

I turned 30 last weekend. I partied in a way that might not fly when I’m in my 30s. And I recovered in a way I hope to continue to do well into my 90s.

Behold the perfect party:

Casual - Friday night drinks at a bar. A facebook invite and a five hour window to drop in. 10 people or 100 people could have turned up and it would have been fun.

Collaborative – Laura was turning 25, I was turning 30. Milestones! We hosted together which makes a party so much nicer.

Cross-pollination – not like actual cross-pollination (ew), but a whole lot of people from different parts of life, all got together and mingled! What a relief – nothing worse than a party divided up like post-soviet nations.

Eden (study life) meets Sharryn (work life).

Work colleagues talk to friends!

Sebi and Bryant came in fancy dress as each other. (High school meets Bangkok)

Oh, that's me!

Eleanor and Nicole - destined to be friends (thank you Sarah for introducing them).

The birthday girls! Laura, the best work colleague/friend a Sarah could have.

Hello! We're having a successful party! Social capital in check!

Our new friend Tali (and she's from the south of the river - points for diversity)

The social overlap in this photo is so mind-blowing I can't even explain it.

Oh people talking about things. Go you good things.

And now to make turning 30 even better: 

On Sunday (the actual date of my birth), sisters and mother took me to Peninsula Hot Springs for some relaxation care of earth (and the clever people who got that lovely water from under the ground and into these lovely baths).

Taking a sun-bathing break after a long stint in 39 degree water.

Here's me in the spa.

And then we ate:

We wandered along the road and stumbled across the perfect lunch.

Delicious fish n chips, oysters, wine.

Let's look at it one more time.

Wine - can anyone remember what wine we were drinking?

Perfect 30th birthday – check!

Tags: Birthday, Friends, Melbourne, mornington peninsula, peninsula hot springs

Troubling scene on Swanston St

I was on Swanston St earlier today and saw a rather troubling scene.

If you know Melbourne at all, you know that Swanston St is off limit to cars. Today, though, someone in a regular car was in the lane beside a tram. When I came onto the scene, the tram driver was yelling into his microphone at the person in the car. “Get off the road! You’re blocking the trams!! Get off the road!!”

Like, totes freaking out. His tone was angry but also condescending. I imagine that what he wanted to be saying was, “You idiot! Get the hell out of my way! What’s wrong with you?! Can’t you read a sign! Where did you get your license?!” 

Pedestrians all around were gawking at this altercation. As the driver of the car eventually found a way to get out the situation (turning right – in front of the tram – into Little Lonsdale St), some of those pedestrians howled and clapped long and slow, a “good onya idiot, about bloody time”. 

I think it’s pretty awful to speak to people the way the tram driver did today (and the way the pedestrians howled). It’s as if there is no room for error. You can’t make a mistake or it brands you as deeply incompetent, not worthy of respect.

But what’s more, it’s Swanston St! What if that was an interstate driver, under the pump in peak hour traffic? Caught out by a hook turn? Surely that tram driver or those people on the street wouldn’t need a lot of empathetic imagination to put themselves in the driver’s shoes.

I just reckon it’s really rough when we find ourselves unable to tolerate mistakes, and ready to belittle someone when they do. I think it’s doubly disturbing when it’s a guy with a microphone and 100s of people standing around on a street corner, behaving terribly to a lone person.

Poor form tram driver.

Tags: anger, Australia, Melbourne, Traffic, trams

Summer meets winter

I’ve been raving about the wonders of Autumn for a few weeks now. I can’t stop marvelling at the myriad ways Melbourne takes advantage of Autumn’s natural beauty.

This morning, a serendipitous breakfast moment occurred in my kitchen. Summer/autumn food met winter food (suddenly appropriate after the weekend’s drop in temperature).

Behold, grilled figs with porridge:

Tags: Australia, autumn, grilled figs, Melbourne, porridge, Seasons, summer, winter